Finding Light in the Shadows: A Caregiver's Journey Through the Holiday Season

The air was crisp, the leaves were turning, and pumpkins adorned doorsteps—a vibrant reminder that the holiday season was upon us. I could almost hear the cheerful jingles of Christmas carols playing in my head. It was that magical time of year when my creative spirit soared. Thanksgiving had come and gone, filled with laughter and gratitude, and everything seemed to be falling into place. I was eagerly anticipating the twinkling lights, the scent of pine, and the warmth of festive gatherings. But then, just like that, our plans unraveled.

As December approached, a heavy weight settled in my stomach. It was our first Christmas as caregivers, and the sparkle of the season felt dimmed. Bill’s mom was in the hospital, fighting battles that turned our lives upside down. The bright lights and cheerful decorations, which usually ignited my passion, now felt like distant memories—faded and unreachable, lost in a fog of worry and exhaustion. The thought of decking the halls brought on a wave of fatigue; I simply didn’t have the desire or energy to even try.

 Anyone who knows me understands how deeply this affected me. I am THE Christmas and holiday decorator! I take pride in every detail—the matching ornaments, the carefully chosen wrapping paper, and the color schemes that bring each room to life. I plan themes for every tree, yes, we had more than one! It was my joyful ritual, a creative outlet that filled my heart with happiness. But as I stood there, overwhelmed by the situation, I couldn't help but wonder: where would I find the time, the energy, or even the joy to celebrate this year?

The Weight of Unrealistic Expectations

Christmas is often painted as a perfect picture—joyful gatherings, beautifully wrapped gifts, and elaborate meals. But that year, the pressure to uphold those traditions weighed heavily on me. I realized I was holding onto unrealistic expectations. Instead of enjoying the season, I found myself feeling guilty for not creating the holiday experience we used to cherish.

Tip #1: Embrace Change and Set Realistic Expectations

I learned to shift my focus from those grand traditions to the simple joys of togetherness. Adjustments became our holiday theme. We decided that we would find ways to celebrate even in our current situation. It was okay not to decorate, and it was okay to simplify our plans.  It was okay if we had to go to my parents home later for dinner.  My mom was flexible and understood.  It was ok if gifts were opened later so we could go to the hospital and spend the day with mom.  We had to let go of unrealistic expectations.  That was difficult.

Creating New Traditions

 Fast forward a few years, and my mom moved in with us. She had always been the heart of our family Christmases, her home brimming with the smells of holiday baking and the laughter of loved ones. But now, she could no longer manage that role. Once again, we faced the need for adjustment.

Mom’s last Christmas was unlike any we had experienced. The house was quieter but filled with a different kind of warmth. Instead of a traditional dinner, we chose to have appetizers.   We chose to stay in our pajamas all day. Mom was in a wheelchair, wearing a gown and her beautiful burgundy and gold robe, and we didn’t want to dress up when she couldn’t.

Finding Joy in Simplicity

We opted for a laid-back celebration filled with appetizers, punch, and dessert. Grazing throughout the day, we savored each bite as we gathered around the television, watching holiday movies and reminiscing about past Christmases. The kids played, their laughter echoing through the house, creating a beautiful backdrop for our unconventional day.

 Tip #2: Create a Cozy Atmosphere 

While we may not have had a traditional dinner, we made our space inviting. We lit candles, turned on soft lights, and played our favorite holiday music. The goal was to create a warm environment where everyone could feel comfortable and connected, even if the setup was different from years past.

Embracing Emotions

The emotional landscape of the holidays can be complicated for caregivers. There were moments of deep sorrow for the traditions we had lost, but there were also glimmers of joy in our new way of celebrating. It became clear that the heart of the holidays wasn’t in the extravagant dinners or perfectly wrapped gifts, but in the moments shared together.

Tip #3: Acknowledge and Share Your Feelings

It’s essential to recognize that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions—joy, nostalgia, grief. I learned to create a safe space for myself and my family to express these feelings. Sharing stories about past Christmases and allowing tears to flow made our time together more meaningful.

The Beauty of Flexibility

This journey through caregiving taught us resilience and the importance of flexibility. While the holidays might look different from what we once knew, they could still be filled with warmth, love, and connection.

 Tip #4: Stay Flexible 

Be open to changes and let go of the need for everything to be perfect. If something doesn’t go as planned, embrace it as part of your unique holiday story. One of the most memorable moments of that last Christmas was a silly game we played when the kids started climbing in their bus and “driving” their Pap around. Instead of resisting, we joined in, creating laughter and joy that echoed through the house.

Cherishing the Moments

 As we navigated the changing landscape of our family, we discovered that adjusting our expectations could lead to some of the most cherished moments of all. The simple act of staying in pajamas, sharing appetizers, and watching movies turned into our own new traditions.

 And so, even in the face of challenges, we celebrated the spirit of the season, grateful for the time we had together, however unconventional it might be. Our story, like many caregivers, is a testament to the power of love and the beauty of finding joy amidst change.

Closing Thoughts

 This holiday season, if you find yourself in a caregiving role, remember: you’re not alone. Embrace the changes, set realistic expectations, and create new traditions. Acknowledge your feelings, stay flexible, and cherish the moments that truly matter. In doing so, you may just find that joy can be found in the simplest of celebrations. Wishing you all a holiday season filled with love, warmth, and treasured memories!